


Unforgivable

by hanarosex



Category: Shall We Date?: Obey Me!
Genre: Angst and Feels, Angst with a Happy Ending, F/M, Lesson 16 (Shall We Date?: Obey Me!) Spoilers, Mentioned Demon Brothers (Shall We Date?: Obey Me!), Sad with a Happy Ending, Shall We Date?: Obey Me! Spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-26
Updated: 2020-08-26
Packaged: 2021-03-07 02:01:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,986
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26129200
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hanarosex/pseuds/hanarosex
Summary: Belphegor/f!Reader | the aftermath of Belphegor's actions play a role in (Y/N)'s everyday life, leaving her in fear. She finally confronts him about how he hurt her.
Relationships: Belphegor (Shall We Date?: Obey Me!) & Reader
Comments: 3
Kudos: 61





	Unforgivable

**Author's Note:**

> Please be up to chapter 16/17 :)

In this cruel place in the Devildom, it was not as if he had any claim to be angry. These irrational, painful emotions building within him were becoming impossible to ignore. It bothered him. After what he did, he could not expect her to be forgiving, much less understanding. Few would could his actions kind, many would call it one, simple word.

Unforgivable.

It was obvious, he already knew it. Stupidity was not a part of his skill set, unlike his second eldest brother. If he already understood this, why did he seem so desperate to get on her good side? It appeared that she was slipping out of his grasp. Once a human he lured to the room in the attic, she was now known as the descendant of Lilith. Lilith was so close to him, yet so far. She was disappearing, even though she had been found again. The red string that tied them together was pulling thin, soon to be little to no connection between them.

Belphegor had made a grave mistake. If the sins of his monstrous act could pull him any deeper into the depths of Hell, it would have by now. Although a part of this horrible situation had been fixed, there was hesitation within his family to let them completely by their side again.

What a lonely feeling.

One of the few things Belphegor did expect was that since he started acting kinder to her, (Y/N) would come around. She would see how sincere he could be, how he could apologize for wronging her, and all could be forgiven. However, it seemed like every act he did to beg for atonement was met with a form of silence.

It was almost as if she went out of her way to ignore him. He hated it. Every time it happened, those feelings within his chest would stir and the realm around him felt blurry. Madness, how could he not charm one simple human after spending centuries around them? Every smile that touched his lips was greeted with a look of fear. Every attempt to beckon her over to chat was only a chance for her to run into the arms of another brother. Every hug, to pull her soft, warm body into his arms was met with stiffened, yet trembling limbs until a brother, the angels, or Lord Diavolo himself removed her from the situation. 

She feared him.

To see someone who looked at him with such comforting eyes to now look at him once more in fear, anxiety, and possibly hatred. It was as if nothing he did was enough to remedy what had happened. How could it?

He had already stolen her precious life with his own two hands.

‘Murderer!’ His thoughts taunted. Deep, purple eyes watching the way (Y/N) interacted with Lucifer in the hallway. It was morning time, with merely an hour left before all demons plus one human were to arrive at the academy. He took the time to notice every detail about her, some of which he had failed to notice before. The way her curves suited her nicely; uniform all neat with a cute, lavender bow tied around the collar of her shirt, and her phone in one of her hands, carrying a small, cute charm. Had she always been this sweet?

The pair had failed to notice him, as he was hidden around the corner, watching the interaction play out. It was clear at this point how much she cared about the other brothers over him. What a bright smile, seeming to light up the whole hallway as she listened to Lucifer’s plans for a student council meeting later today. Belphegor’s eyes narrowed as he saw (Y/N)’s hand rest on Lucifer’s arm, just below his elbow. 

Lucifer was not always one for physical contact, yet he seems oddly comfortable with (Y/N)’s touch. 

If Belphegor was the avatar of different sin, at that current moment, he would be filled with envy. Jealousy? Him? It felt confusing, but he could recognize this feeling after years of seeing his own older brother react in a similar fashion. ‘That should be me’, his thoughts spoke once more, his grip on the wall tightening, almost cracking the drywall itself. Not that it was hard though, it was an old house. The point still remained, the eldest was simply in the way of what was his, of what he wanted to achieve.

As usual.

There was Lilith’s descendant, standing right in front of him, only a few feet away. There she was, glowing, smiling, and seemed to remind him of a firefly in the night. Bringing just a small bit of peace and harmony to the darkness of his inner world. 

Fireflies are never easy to catch.

(Y/N) would constantly be forever out of his reach until he figured out the right step, the right words, and the right actions to take. It was a tricky combination to unlock the path of forgiveness. What could it be? What did he have to do to regain that warmth he had lost? No, he hadn’t lost it.

He had crushed it alive.

Belphegor shifted away from his thoughts to watch the pair part. (Y/N) turned to go to the dining hall. This was his chance, to try and make amends once more. He stepped out from the corner and sauntered down the hall, trailing not that far behind her. However, it seemed another demon had plans for him. When he felt that gloved hand on his shoulder, he could only stop and glare at his oldest brother, Lucifer. “What?” He asked, eyes narrowed and tone venomous. Lucifer returned the gesture, nails digging into Belphegor’s shoulder.

“What attempt will you make today to drive her into a state of panic?” Lucifer questioned, but it seemed to be more of a rhetorical question. Belphegor tried to shrug him off, yet his grip was as tight as ever. If the uniform was not there to separate him between his skin, he would certain there would be blood trickling down his shoulder. He began to speak, “I haven’t harmed her since-”

“-since you murdered her.” Lucifer finished, his own chilling, venomous glare sending chills into Belphegor’s spine. It silenced him for a moment, allowing the thick tension to grow. It was suffocating. The eldest brother spoke once more, “What you fail to understand about humans, even after your years of obsession, is that they were not bound to the same things that you and I might be.” He paused, allowing his lesson to sink in. It didn’t help the tension.

He continued, “If they are wounded by a situation, do you believe they are always likely to return to the same moment that brought them a world of pain?” Lucifer’s scowl was more than evident. Belphegor’s shame was beginning to overwhelm him as it had did the first time he realized the weight of what he had done. He gave a small shake of the head, eyes flickering to face the wall rather than look at his brother. 

“So why would you force this human to accept someone who has gravely wounded her?” His words stung, cutting into the emotions of the youngest brother. The one with the biggest crime above his head right now. The guilt would never escape, no matter what he did. To feel her lifeless body, crumbling beneath. The last gasp of air, turning into a pale shade of blue as he ripped away her life. The senses from that moment running through his mind over and over again. Then there was the worst of it, dragging her body to the entrance hall, down those wooden stairs.

Dumping her into full view of his brothers. Lifeless, bruised, beaten. Dead. Although the trauma was still there, for both of them. He would never forget it, seeing her alive again, while her dead body rested in Mammon’s arms. He had failed his objective, the sins weighing upon him. He thought back to Diavolo explaining (Y/N)’s lineage. 

He remembered his heart sinking, the room spinning, and the carpet beneath his knees. The string of apologies. The cries of his sister’s name leaving his lips. Cradling (Y/N) in his arms, begging her not to leave again. He hadn’t been the only one who had sobbed ungracefully, but he was the cause of it all. 

So much pain, by him.

Could it be time to let (Y/N) go? To let Lilith go? No, that meant forgetting them. He couldn’t do that, it was the reason all of his had happened in the first place. He never wanted to forget Lilith, and he would never want to forget (Y/N). She had always been one of the reasons for his freedom, he owed her this much to try and redeem himself in her eyes. Anger bubbled inside him, reminding him why he had gotten locked up in the first place, but he couldn’t raise a hand to Lucifer again. Purple nails of his only dug into his own palms, surely to leave small scars later. 

“What do I do?” Belphegor asked, after minutes had passed. It didn’t feel like it, but Lucifer had seen him go through a range of emotions. Sadness, remorse, anger, acceptance. Lucifer did not give a response right away, causing Belphegor to grit his teeth and dig his nails deeper into his palms. “Answer me, you bastard!” He cursed, becoming annoyed. “How do I fix this, Lucifer?”

“You can’t always fix it,” Lucifer replied, figuring out the right words to say. “The trauma of what you’ve done…is unforgivable.”

There it is again. That stupid word. It matched perfectly to everything that had happened.

Unforgivable.

“If she chooses to let you back in again,” Lucifer said, removing his hand from Belphegor’s shoulder, staring him down, “It will be by her own terms, not yours.”

Belphegor backed away once he felt Lucifer’s hand leave. He couldn’t look at him anymore. “…I’m going to breakfast.” It was the only response he could give before turning on his heel and resuming his walk down the hall. By now, (Y/N) was in the dining hall with the others. Laughing, talking, being happy with the others. It sickened him knowing he could not do that with her. He could feel his shoulders sink and head held low, gazing into the carpet beneath his feet.

Lucifer did not chase after.

As soon as Belphegor entered the dining hall, the chatter of his siblings was cut short. As expected. The clenching of his fists couldn’t be any tighter, and he swore he could feel the blood trickling slightly down his hand. Had they completely forgiven him? Of course not, he knew that. Maybe there had been hugs and welcome backs in his first few moments of freedom, but any sympathy had run dry by now. They began to make their excuses to leave, finding their way towards the door. 

He waited for (Y/N) to leave too. He thought over Lucifer’s words. He couldn’t continue to force her to accept him, it would only drive her away. Yet thinking of it brought this own unforgivable feeling within his heart. What would he tell her anyways that she didn’t already know? Sleeping now only brought back those vivid moments, and he couldn’t wake up from the nightmares. He was always tired, but now he felt exhausted. 

No sleep at this point would be enough, the pain was too much.

Belphegor had settled into his own chair when he heard Asmodeus’ voice ring out across the dining hall, “(Y/N), dear! Are you leaving with us?”

“Today, I will stay and eat with Belphegor.” Those seven words caused his head to snap up and look at her. There was a small smile on her face, although it wasn’t directed at him. It was for Asmodeus, to reassure him that she would be fine, but they all knew she was visibly trembling. In her eyes, there was a kindness he hadn’t seen in a while. He knows that gaze and soft tone isn’t for him, but he can’t help but imagine it is.

Heart soaring, he wondered what had happened to finally bring her this close to him? She was across the table, just out of reach by hand, but this was the closest she sat by him since his crime. Had he finally done something right? Words from Lucifer trickled into his mind, and that soaring feeling faded as soon as it came. 

“It’s okay,” Belphegor said, looking off to the side, “I don’t want to make you late for class.” He couldn’t bring herself to look at her gaze, afraid of her running away once more if he did. What a fragile human, and at the same time, so stubborn. He focused on filling his plate with whatever was left. It wasn’t much, that was no surprise. Lucifer soon came into the dining hall to rush them along.

“It’s time for you all to head to school, isn’t it?” His tone was stern, causing the last of his brothers to make a break for the entrance door. Lucifer’s view turned to (Y/N), glancing her over to make sure she was alright. They all knew she was scared, but attempting to overcome her own fears. There was not much they could do to change her mind, she was simply determined. Whether it was to finally piece together the rift between her and Belphegor, each one of them had acknowledged one fact.

Something had to be done.

Lucifer did not fully understand her intentions, but allowed her to continue with what she was doing. As long as she was in class on time. He strode past her, his hand brushing lightly over her shoulder before he too made his way for the door. The clicking of his shoes faded as the pair heard the door close behind him. 

Once it was just the two, Belphegor let out a sigh. “My brothers..it’s not the same as it was before you came here.” He commented, still refusing to look at her, even if he wanted to. His view turned from the side to his plate, fork picking at his food. He wasn’t hungry, he just craved to be in her proximity. “After all that’s happened, we can’t go back to normal.” There was a frown on his face, but neither said anything about it. “It is my fault,” He owned up to it, “For every action I have done, I have hurt you.”

He could not forgive himself until she did.

“I haven’t forgiven you for it.”

There it was, her response. He could almost laugh in the irony of the situation. How did he expect anything to be different this time? (Y/N) was right there, but she would be always out of reach, no matter how close she looked. Her scent, her face, her voice, he could sense it all. It gave him a longing he couldn’t release. He knew what had been done was unforgivable, but he chose to believe otherwise. Had he always been beyond redemption?

How badly he wanted to pull her back into his arms, and just fall asleep, her by his side. Maybe then the nightmares of her death would stop. Possibly Lilith’s too. He wanted to remember them both, but how long could he go in this state of exhaustion? Always tired, but sleep never being fulfilling. Even that plush pillow he carried everywhere could no longer bring as much comfort as it used to.

Belphegor scooted his chair back, “I know.” His voice came out almost in a hoarse whisper. He was ready to leave, not thinking his heart could take anymore. He froze when he heard her next few words, stopping him in his tracks.

“Yet,” (Y/N) continued, eyes staring directly at him. Bright, beautiful, serene. He could finally look at her. Her fists were trembling, but she stood proud. “I believe if there is ever a chance to fully restore peace, I need to learn to coincide with you.”

He was taken aback by her sentence, unsure of what to say. Eyes were wide. “What does that mean, (Y/N)?” He asked, breathless, after a few seconds of silence passed between them. “You…want to be near me?”

“No.” Her response was harsh.

(Y/N) could only take a shaky breath, setting her hands on the table, stilling herself. “You used me.” She spoke, bringing her eyes to glare at the table. “You murdered me. You only accepted me for my lineage and not once for who I was personally.” Bitterness was laced in her tone. Now her legs shook, and she appeared like she was going to cry. She was getting louder.

“I will forever be scared by what you have done to me.” Her eyes closed shortly before reopening, it didn’t help hold back the tears. “I can still feel you choking me, it haunts me every night.” She slammed her fists down on the table, making Belphegor jump with her sudden actions. She had never been this violent before. “You betrayed me when all I did was try to release you and fix your broken relationship with your brothers!” (Y/N) yelled, and fell into her chair, unable to stop the stream of tears.

“Things will never be the same, Belphegor.” His heart cracked, hearing her say that. Moving swiftly, he came over to her, kneeling next to her. “(Y/N).” He said her name, a hand reaching out to her, but she smacked it away. “But, I know how much you mean to your brothers…and at one point how much you meant to me.”

How much she meant to him? What did she mean? Was he a part of her life more than he had thought before he had stolen her life? He did use her for his own gain, but their time in the attic, it had meant something more to her. He ruined it. 

“(Y/N).” He said her name again, and instead of reaching out with one hand, he buried his face in her lap, hands grasping her wrists so she wouldn’t push him away. Her skirt became stained with his own tears. “I fucked up.” He told her, remaining in this same position. “I fucked up!” He yelled this time, hoping it could reach her.

“Let go of me, Belphe-”

“No.” He replied, becoming stubborn like her. He brought his head up slightly, just enough for her to see the pained expression behind his eyes. “I did use you, and I hurt you. It’s unforgivable.” He took a breath, trying to find his words, “These actions will never be atoned for, I know this now. Yet, you did so much for me. I don’t think I could stand to not have you in my life now.”

“You’re only saying that because I’m Lilith’s descendant.” (Y/N) sobbed out, closing her eyes so she wouldn’t have to look at him. “Let me go.”

“At first, it was only because of that. My sister meant all of the three realms to me. However, you did so much more than you think. You released me from that prison of an attic, reunited me with my brothers, and reunited me with Lilith. You showed empathy for me when I was at a point when I was beyond that. I fucked it up, but please, (Y/N).” He rested his face back in her lap, his grip on her wrists remaining as tight as ever.

“I can’t rest without knowing you’re okay now. I know I’m always tired, I am the avatar of Sloth after all, but I’m beyond tired.” What were these mixed emotions within him? He wanted to coincide peacefully, he knew it was the best course of action, but he wanted more than that. He wasn’t sure exactly of these feelings stirring within him, but they would remain unsettled if he and she were to simply be acquaintances.

“I’m exhausted. These nightmares I have, they’re the same as yours.” He was remorseful, and never wanted to let her go. “I dream of what I’ve done, and it hurts. I cannot apologize more. I don’t know how to make it up to you, I don’t know what to do to change anything between us.”

(Y/N) was silent, and so was Belphegor. They remained in that silence until both of their breathing had calmed down. “I want you to protect me.” She said, almost in a whisper. Her eyes were puffy, and her wrists hurt from his death-like grasp. She had known he was trying to make up with her, but what had happened gave her horrible anxiety. 

Seeing him like this though, weak, kneeling, gave her this sense of relief. He didn’t have this horrible chokehold on her anymore. In fact, he was groveling for her to forgive him. She had assumed he had tried to move past it like the other brothers had, assuming she would be okay despite what had happened. She wasn’t, and she didn’t know when she would be okay.

Nevertheless, she could try.

“Protect you?” He asked, his grip loosening. He didn’t have much strength to keep her pinned down for long. She was able to free a hand, and instead of using it to free her other hand, she rested it on top of his head. “Protect me.” She confirmed, “From the demons who want to harm me, from risks I might take, and protect me from these nightmares I also have.” She stroked his hair lightly, her mind flashing back to their times in the attic.

When he would lazily fall asleep by the door, waiting for her to return with updates on the status of her pacts with the brothers. She would sometimes stick her hand through the metal bars of the door, just to pat his head. That small moment brought peace to her, even though it left a sour taste in her mouth now.

Perhaps that could be fixed. He moved his head away, and looked in her eyes, making sure she saw every expression on his face. “(Y/N), we are not in a pact yet, but I will protect you.” He said, “I will protect you from the demons who want to harm you, from the risks you will take to protect my brothers and me, and from the nightmares you have, even the ones I have caused you.” He smiled slightly, giving his best look of sincerity.

Normally, he hated mushy moments, but this was needed. He was fatigued constantly over the stress of what happened, and they both needed to heal to recover.

“I’ll never forgive you for the past, Belphegor.” (Y/N) spoke, not ceasing her motions with his hair, “But, I hope the future we have together will be more peaceful.”

Belphegor hoped so too. He returned to resting his head on her lap, closing his eyes. He was sleepy, and she felt like the perfect pillow now. How could she be so kind? He didn’t truly understand it, but he had a promise to keep now. She began to zone out too, noticing her shaking had decreased to a point where it was barely visible.

Lucifer would come home later that day to find out the pair had never gone to class, but were curled up together in the dining hall. Belphegor’s head resting on her thighs, hands on her hips. One of (Y/N)’s hands was on Belphegor’s head, the other on her own lap, near Belphegor’s face. What a peaceful look they had, appearing after this bout of fear and anxiety.

Belphegor had committed an unforgivable act, but he will make it up to her. 

He will protect his human.


End file.
